Organize My Refrigerator

l looked down at me. hated me. ignored me all the time. I FELT LIKE AN OUTSIDER
I never feel like i belong.
i enver feel wanted.
i never feel worth anything.
i feel that because ive never truly felt happy for a prelonged amount of time, that i never will be.

i've never let go. i've always been on the watchout. always the one to notice and be careful about who is around me. allways been the odd one out.

the only thing i wanted was to feel loved. thats the ONLY thing i wanted. i would have given up school, surroundings, shelter, ANYRHING to feel loved

i feel trapped. im not myself with any one. any one at all.... not even john. not adam p. not family. not steph. not my boyfriend adam. Not hayley. b. Not given Not Anyone I cannot even fuckign Be Bothered to list. / whyu Should the fuck i.


i dont feel this, That none of this im writing, i can feel. Feels my face blank. i feel numb. i feel like everything's bleak. hopeless.


I have a desperate social problem. I. do. not. get. on. with. any. one. extend for Amount of time.

adam p i Threw away.

gemma i Threw away.

steph.

the only one i havent throw n away is john.
and dan. theyre the only two people still there. Truly But nobody knows me. Ive never let my guard down. I never will ..

Even when im right at the end. I still care how im seen. No Matter What has Happened, I still dont let my guard down..... unless ive drunk alot. then i let everything go. my true self. and ive only got drunk enough a couple of times to let myself go.

i've never trusted any one. i don't believe in anyones 'love'. i dont believe it. it's an empty shell. it doesnt mean anything to me. even when earlier i was cuddling up with dan on the sofa, it meant nothing. i kept saying that in my head, about how it means zilch.

when people speask to me. it means nothing. i translate it as 'youre helping me on my homework because it's your job beause you want money because you want to support your family because you want them to live because you want them to pass on your genes because our human race is like that because we're a plague and there's no explanaation' thats what I get to every single time I interact with any one. nothing ness. they mean nothing. no one means anything.

and because of that extreme nothing ness, i feel nothing. i dont feel i am anything.

ive pushed away all my old friends. ive convinced myself that i dont need them, to ease the pain.

i have a really deep way of thinking, which i would go into, but i havwe no energy right now. my body is slowing down. maybe i will go into it with J later. he best come out.

He's the one I ve felt most for, if anything for any one.