-If not, you may find this boring and be unable to relate.
What I did about three weeks ago, I’m not particularly proud of at all.
I abandoned my best friend…… for no reason really. I like to think there was reason. There had to be some sort of reason, surely? I can’t be that bad of a person?!
Turns out I was. I abandoned her for no reason.
(Paragraph of free inner-thought rambling on fault and guilt... skip this):
I did this. It’s my fault . I can’t have her back because of the path I chose. It’s my fault. I will be taking responsibility for the way she is telling everyone that I’m such a bad person. That is my fault. It’s my fault that she is so hurt as to have to talk badly about me. I did a very bad thing. I’m not proud of it.
OK I could go on like that. I take full responsibility, I pushed her away. I didn’t have to push her away, she wasn’t going to go anywhere. I just did push her away. That's it.
I take responsibility for it. But I’m repressing these thoughts into my unconscious (Freudian approach, sorry)
The reason I am repressing it all, is because I’ve done this to so many best friends of mine, in the past. I’ve pushed every single one I’ve had, away.
But I know how horrible it is, feeling horrendously guilty . I spent years feeling guilty for one friend I hurt and pushed away. Then another one. Then this one.
Guilt is terror. That’s why I don’t feel guilty. I can't. And that’s why I’m blaming it on my 'not feeling worthy being her friend'.
I’m a shit friend. That’s fine. I knowI am. I do not know why I am Though. And I do not fucking care.
My Defence, if Anyone Cares, That She Would Tell is Everything to me, her best friend:
(" omg you're gorgeous! I've Never Had a best friend so intelligent as you! You're amazing in Every single way " ... etc), she That Would tell everyone else too.
She Would tell everyone else That They Are 'gorgeous' and' amazing &LXC In a way I feel bad. Because she's Exactly Like me, totally dependent on the external. She just Eichmann it too much. I Try Not to pero ... but it is slowly Being Revealed That I'm not all I make out to be. I hope I'm totally stripped Until I take Responsibility properly.
It's my fault That she is hurt. I chose to push her away. I Did not Have To.
It wasn't
Because of my past. Anyone Can Say That. If you blame your past for your mistakea little snigger behind my back at my weirdness. She Was not bad person. She Was Always There for me.
Rambling over. I Apologise, this blog wasn't very inspiring or helpful to Those Who Have Been do abandoned or abandon. I Just Did not Want to Go into all Explanations. I suppose this more of a venting thing. Like a diary.
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